god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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