What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
