Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm really busy with my period
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