I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
