who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
