Pants 0. Shit 1.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
