It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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