This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
