I'm laying in your front yard are you home
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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