Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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