My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
