I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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