i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
