Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
