apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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