not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
