I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
