Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
