Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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