you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
