would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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