Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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