Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
