Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
