my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
