You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
