My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
