I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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