finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
