Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
