Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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