I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
