When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
