dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
