so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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