He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
