Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
As shirtless as possible
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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