I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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