I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize