I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Boobs speak an international language.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
