i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
