oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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