My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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