So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
