The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
did i walk over a car last night?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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