Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
