Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Randomize
