why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
this just has baby written all over it
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
