i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
