Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize