My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
