he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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