??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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