Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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