All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
