She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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