I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
