He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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