I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
