Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
