Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
