My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
