just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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