We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We're too hungover to prance.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
