They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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