time to smoke my breakfast
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
