so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
