Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize