There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
