My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Send help, water and tortillas.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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