NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
